Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Saturday, November 18, 2006
A knitting Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful blond girl named Miranda(of COURSE she was beautiful. Have you ever heard of a fairy tale that started, "Once upon a time there was a butt UGLY girl?I don't think so). Now, Miranda wasn't the sharpest needle in the knitting basket(of course not, she's blond, right? And we've all heard those blond jokes). You might even say she seemed a bit on the dumb side. But she could knit. Boy, could she knit!
Miranda made the most beautiful, gossamer shawls imaginable. They were light and airy, and looked like fairy wings. You could almost imagine them flying away. Every year Miranda and her parents traveled to the local county fair, where all the townspeople lined up to see what wonderful creations Miranda's needles had created.
Miranda didn't think much of her knitting, though. I mean, really, does anyone in these stories EVER appreciate what they have? Of course not! If they did, we wouldn't be able to learn some kind of moral lesson from their stupidity, now would we? Miranda spent most of her days dreaming, as beautiful girls in fairy tales are wont to do. She dreamed that she could actually fly with one of her sets of gossamer wings. She didn't really know what she was going to do once she got up there, but that wasn't the point. She just wanted to do it.
So, kids, what do you think happened next? That's right, Miranda came upon a troll in the forest. This was a particularly nasty troll. He spent his days capturing and eating all the unfortunate children who didn't listen to their parents and wandered away into the forest(see, I TOLD you there wasa lesson here!). The troll had ripped his pants chasing a couple of really fast kids into the woods(they escaped, but that's another story). Since trolls don't work, he had no money for new pants, so he was sitting on a rock whining. Sure, he could have gone into the village and bartered with someone for a new pair of pants, but then where would our intrepid heroine be? No magical little creature to strike a bargain with, that's where.
He was crying, "woe is me, woe is me, I've no one to knit for me"(hey this is a fairy tale, not Shakespeare, for crying out loud). And Miranda, of course, being the not so bright girl that we already know she is, promptly ran up and said, "I will knit for you". She, like all those other children, completely ignored her parents' warning not to talk to strangers, and NEVER to talk to the troll in the woods. Now, the troll got around. He had heard of Miranda's gossamer shawls. "What good would a pair of gossamer breeches do me, girly? I need something that will hold up to my daily activities." Miranda said, "I will knit you a pair of breeches that will never tear, if you will do something for me in return." Now the troll figured there was no way Miranda could make a pair of pants that would not tear, so he decided to give it a shot. "Okay, what do you want?" he asked. "I want to fly." Miranda said. "Granted" the troll said.
So Miranda went to work. She knit the troll a pair of breeches out of the most indestructible material she could find. She tested and tested, and couldn't tear them no matter how hard she tried. She took them to the troll. "Hand them over" he said. "No. First you give me the ability to fly" Miranda said. "Fine" said the troll, "But if I can rip them, all bets are off". "No problem" said Miranda.
Miranda took out one of her gossamer shawls from here pack. As usual, it looked exactly like fairy wings, and Miranda had even thought of a way to strap them on her back. She put them on, and then said to the troll, "Okay, let's do this. Give me the power to fly". "Give me my breeches" said the troll."You have to close your eyes and let me fit them on you" said Miranda, "For they are special and must be fit properly". "Oh, all right" said the troll, closing his eyes. "You can fly get on with it.
Miranda pulled the pants she had knit for the troll on over his old pants. For, you see, Miranda had knit them out of lead. She had heard all the stories from her parents about the children who got lost in the woods and the troll ate them, so she figured she would do something about it. The pants were so heavy, the troll couldn't walk. He would never be able to catch the children and eat them again. And now she could fly!
"Hey!" sadi the troll. "You tricked me!" Miranda smiled sweetly. "No, I didn't. I promised you a pair of pants that would not tear. These will not. I fulfilled my part of the bargain. And you can't renege on your part of the bargain, it's against the rules(Yes, children, there are rules in fairy tales, don't you know?)." And with that, she flew away on her gossamer wings.
And the moral of this story? Miranda may have been blond, but she was not dumb.
And there, children, is your knitting story of the day.
Miranda made the most beautiful, gossamer shawls imaginable. They were light and airy, and looked like fairy wings. You could almost imagine them flying away. Every year Miranda and her parents traveled to the local county fair, where all the townspeople lined up to see what wonderful creations Miranda's needles had created.
Miranda didn't think much of her knitting, though. I mean, really, does anyone in these stories EVER appreciate what they have? Of course not! If they did, we wouldn't be able to learn some kind of moral lesson from their stupidity, now would we? Miranda spent most of her days dreaming, as beautiful girls in fairy tales are wont to do. She dreamed that she could actually fly with one of her sets of gossamer wings. She didn't really know what she was going to do once she got up there, but that wasn't the point. She just wanted to do it.
So, kids, what do you think happened next? That's right, Miranda came upon a troll in the forest. This was a particularly nasty troll. He spent his days capturing and eating all the unfortunate children who didn't listen to their parents and wandered away into the forest(see, I TOLD you there wasa lesson here!). The troll had ripped his pants chasing a couple of really fast kids into the woods(they escaped, but that's another story). Since trolls don't work, he had no money for new pants, so he was sitting on a rock whining. Sure, he could have gone into the village and bartered with someone for a new pair of pants, but then where would our intrepid heroine be? No magical little creature to strike a bargain with, that's where.
He was crying, "woe is me, woe is me, I've no one to knit for me"(hey this is a fairy tale, not Shakespeare, for crying out loud). And Miranda, of course, being the not so bright girl that we already know she is, promptly ran up and said, "I will knit for you". She, like all those other children, completely ignored her parents' warning not to talk to strangers, and NEVER to talk to the troll in the woods. Now, the troll got around. He had heard of Miranda's gossamer shawls. "What good would a pair of gossamer breeches do me, girly? I need something that will hold up to my daily activities." Miranda said, "I will knit you a pair of breeches that will never tear, if you will do something for me in return." Now the troll figured there was no way Miranda could make a pair of pants that would not tear, so he decided to give it a shot. "Okay, what do you want?" he asked. "I want to fly." Miranda said. "Granted" the troll said.
So Miranda went to work. She knit the troll a pair of breeches out of the most indestructible material she could find. She tested and tested, and couldn't tear them no matter how hard she tried. She took them to the troll. "Hand them over" he said. "No. First you give me the ability to fly" Miranda said. "Fine" said the troll, "But if I can rip them, all bets are off". "No problem" said Miranda.
Miranda took out one of her gossamer shawls from here pack. As usual, it looked exactly like fairy wings, and Miranda had even thought of a way to strap them on her back. She put them on, and then said to the troll, "Okay, let's do this. Give me the power to fly". "Give me my breeches" said the troll."You have to close your eyes and let me fit them on you" said Miranda, "For they are special and must be fit properly". "Oh, all right" said the troll, closing his eyes. "You can fly get on with it.
Miranda pulled the pants she had knit for the troll on over his old pants. For, you see, Miranda had knit them out of lead. She had heard all the stories from her parents about the children who got lost in the woods and the troll ate them, so she figured she would do something about it. The pants were so heavy, the troll couldn't walk. He would never be able to catch the children and eat them again. And now she could fly!
"Hey!" sadi the troll. "You tricked me!" Miranda smiled sweetly. "No, I didn't. I promised you a pair of pants that would not tear. These will not. I fulfilled my part of the bargain. And you can't renege on your part of the bargain, it's against the rules(Yes, children, there are rules in fairy tales, don't you know?)." And with that, she flew away on her gossamer wings.
And the moral of this story? Miranda may have been blond, but she was not dumb.
And there, children, is your knitting story of the day.
I am a Klutz
Walking is a real challenge for me. Not because of any handicap, I just don’t have the talent for it. I am a klutz. I have broken so many bones, my orthopedist sends me Christmas cards.
I started my career early. I went straight from crawling to falling. It was a waste of time to childproof the house. I was too busy picking myself up off the floor to get into anything.
Over the years, my mother tried everything to help me become more graceful. First, there was ballet. Did you know that when one dancer falls at the barre it has a domino effect? The teacher didn’t find that amusing. Then we tried sports. Well, one sport. After I tripped over my tennis racket and broke my arm, my mother decided sports weren’t for me. Undaunted, we moved on to baton twirling. I really enjoyed it until the fire baton incident. Who knew sequins were so flammable?
During this period, we developed a great relationship with the ER staff. When we went in, we didn’t even have to wait. They’d just tell my mother to take me back to “my” room. For a long time, I thought my mother worked in the hospital because she knew everyone so well.
My mother was thrilled that I graduated from high school in one piece. She was so proud when I walked up on stage to get my diploma and didn’t trip once! I think she was secretly glad that from now on she didn’t have to pay my health insurance.
Mom also felt that now that I was an adult, I might finally develop that grace that had eluded me for so many years. No such luck. I developed some interesting skills, though, such as carrying groceries on crutches and putting on pantyhose one-handed. I never quite figured out how to translate those skills into the job market.
As a result of my lack of grace, I tried to be very careful in my job selection. As much as I secretly dreamt of being a roller skating waitress or a ski instructor, I knew I had to stick to something safe. I tried working at a bank. Except for the occasional robbery, it seemed like a safe bet. Nothing to trip over there, right? I tripped over the doorjamb on my way into the vault and almost locked myself in. Then I tried the library. Who could possibly get hurt in the library? I tripped and broke my wrist on my way in to the interview. I swear that bookshelf jumped right in front of me.
I even managed to reach one of my professional goals: I was invited to join a professional businesswoman’s organization The first meeting I was to attend was in an historic section of town with beautiful cobblestone streets and brick sidewalks. It was close to work, so I decided to walk over. All my thoughts centered around making a good first impression. I was so preoccupied I completely missed that ant. Later, several women told me that was one of their most exciting meetings, what with the ambulance and everything.
My mother despaired of my ever finding a husband. For a while she had hopes for the guy in the plaster room at the hospital. She swore he was flirting with me every time he set my casts. And she figured I could use the discount. He married a stuntwoman, though. She came in with both legs and one arm broken from a fall on a movie set. I couldn’t compete with that, even on one of my best days.
I knew my husband was the man for me when we went dancing. I tripped and accidentally hit him with my elbow. He didn’t blink an eye. Well, he really couldn’t because it was swollen shut, but he took it like a trooper. Mom was ecstatic, although I thought she was going to miss her friends at the hospital.
The big day came. During the wedding, I fell into my new husband’s arms. Tripped over that darn train! He was wonderful, carrying me down the aisle. Truthfully, he just didn’t want me to fall again, but it looked SO romantic. We had a wonderful honeymoon, too. You know, they have the nicest ER doctors in Hawaii. And they decorated my cast to match my husband’s shirt. I thought that was really a nice touch.
We debated about having children and finally decided we’d take a chance. After all, with all the padding we’d installed, the house was already childproof.
My husband was very protective of me during my pregnancy, but he couldn’t be with me all the time. Fortunately, my orthopedist was right next door to my OB-GYN. And my husband reassured me that no, I wasn’t getting fat, it was all that plaster.
As the big day approached. I was nervous. Would it be a boy or a girl? Who would he/she look like? Would the baby be more like my husband or me? Everything went as expected. It was really much easier than I thought.
And did you know that they make the cutest little pink casts for baby girls?
I started my career early. I went straight from crawling to falling. It was a waste of time to childproof the house. I was too busy picking myself up off the floor to get into anything.
Over the years, my mother tried everything to help me become more graceful. First, there was ballet. Did you know that when one dancer falls at the barre it has a domino effect? The teacher didn’t find that amusing. Then we tried sports. Well, one sport. After I tripped over my tennis racket and broke my arm, my mother decided sports weren’t for me. Undaunted, we moved on to baton twirling. I really enjoyed it until the fire baton incident. Who knew sequins were so flammable?
During this period, we developed a great relationship with the ER staff. When we went in, we didn’t even have to wait. They’d just tell my mother to take me back to “my” room. For a long time, I thought my mother worked in the hospital because she knew everyone so well.
My mother was thrilled that I graduated from high school in one piece. She was so proud when I walked up on stage to get my diploma and didn’t trip once! I think she was secretly glad that from now on she didn’t have to pay my health insurance.
Mom also felt that now that I was an adult, I might finally develop that grace that had eluded me for so many years. No such luck. I developed some interesting skills, though, such as carrying groceries on crutches and putting on pantyhose one-handed. I never quite figured out how to translate those skills into the job market.
As a result of my lack of grace, I tried to be very careful in my job selection. As much as I secretly dreamt of being a roller skating waitress or a ski instructor, I knew I had to stick to something safe. I tried working at a bank. Except for the occasional robbery, it seemed like a safe bet. Nothing to trip over there, right? I tripped over the doorjamb on my way into the vault and almost locked myself in. Then I tried the library. Who could possibly get hurt in the library? I tripped and broke my wrist on my way in to the interview. I swear that bookshelf jumped right in front of me.
I even managed to reach one of my professional goals: I was invited to join a professional businesswoman’s organization The first meeting I was to attend was in an historic section of town with beautiful cobblestone streets and brick sidewalks. It was close to work, so I decided to walk over. All my thoughts centered around making a good first impression. I was so preoccupied I completely missed that ant. Later, several women told me that was one of their most exciting meetings, what with the ambulance and everything.
My mother despaired of my ever finding a husband. For a while she had hopes for the guy in the plaster room at the hospital. She swore he was flirting with me every time he set my casts. And she figured I could use the discount. He married a stuntwoman, though. She came in with both legs and one arm broken from a fall on a movie set. I couldn’t compete with that, even on one of my best days.
I knew my husband was the man for me when we went dancing. I tripped and accidentally hit him with my elbow. He didn’t blink an eye. Well, he really couldn’t because it was swollen shut, but he took it like a trooper. Mom was ecstatic, although I thought she was going to miss her friends at the hospital.
The big day came. During the wedding, I fell into my new husband’s arms. Tripped over that darn train! He was wonderful, carrying me down the aisle. Truthfully, he just didn’t want me to fall again, but it looked SO romantic. We had a wonderful honeymoon, too. You know, they have the nicest ER doctors in Hawaii. And they decorated my cast to match my husband’s shirt. I thought that was really a nice touch.
We debated about having children and finally decided we’d take a chance. After all, with all the padding we’d installed, the house was already childproof.
My husband was very protective of me during my pregnancy, but he couldn’t be with me all the time. Fortunately, my orthopedist was right next door to my OB-GYN. And my husband reassured me that no, I wasn’t getting fat, it was all that plaster.
As the big day approached. I was nervous. Would it be a boy or a girl? Who would he/she look like? Would the baby be more like my husband or me? Everything went as expected. It was really much easier than I thought.
And did you know that they make the cutest little pink casts for baby girls?
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